The Unsweet 16

Dear Lord, the GOP field for their presidential nomination is an absolute train wreck.  With 15 confirmed candidates and one expected to announce soon, it's a smorgasbord of incompetence, ignorance, red meat, dog whistles and zealotry.

While it's fair to giggle now, eventually this clown car will eject its abundance of freaks, with most of the GOP voting diehards coalescing like a clot around one of them.  Remember, these candidates will say anything to appeal to the worst of their party; the mostly racist, bigoted, homophobic, anti-woman, Christianity distorting, pseudo-libertarian, anti-education fringe which has become the bellwether of the Republican beauty pageant.  These nutbags are the king makers on the right, and the willingness to sell one's soul knows no bounds when it comes to trying to garner their favor.

Differing from the past, many of these candidates aren't running for a potential VP spot.  For many of them, the VP position is a demotion, distorting their true goal, speaker fees.  Most of these candidates know they have no chance, but by spending a few bucks now, visiting Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, and then beating a hasty retreat, they'll be able to demand six figure speaking fees for the next few years, yucking it up on the bizarro talk circuit residing on the periphery of sanity.

Let me take a few moments to break down each one of these buffoons, giving you my opinion of their likelihood of winning the GOP nomination:


Rick Perry - I think Perry thinks he can win.  He's really that stupid.  That's the problem with Texas politicians, they get such egos from an insulated Texas they don't realize they're not W., a simpleton semi-aristocrat who had been groomed to run for President, handled by calculating operatives, and using Texas Republicans as a spring board (because they are dumb and gullible).  Rick is running to win, not for a VP slot.  At best, (in my opinion) his chances are 5%.

Mike Huckabee - This guy really does believe the insane crap coming from his piehole.  At one point, Huckabee scared me, as he initially had some appeal with moderates and independents, but those days are long gone.  He has jumped into the deep end of paranoid-ville, wrapping himself in a false religious veil, trying to secure the Evangelical vote.  The Duggard fiasco has hurt him, and only the most fervent quiverfull's still support him.  He could be looking for a VP spot, but I think the prize for him is increased speakers fees.  0%

Rick Santorum - This guy is crazy if he thinks he can win by looking cool and hip in a sweater vest.  He's the template for the speaker fees business plan.  He made a lot of money the last four years, and he needs to refresh his bank.  I think he knows he can't win the nomination or Presidency (his last name is Santorum...YIKES) so this is about reminding the masses of who he is.  Could he be making a play for Veep?  He would have some appeal in the northeast, but there is very limited wow factor from him being the...(wait for it)...number two.  0%

Ben Carson - Ben is pulling 7.6 percent.  If half of the GOP field withdrew today, I still think he would be pulling the same numbers.  There' s a passionate Ben Carson fan base, but this is the same GOP who still today makes horribly racist comments about Obama and African Americans.  The right's hatred of Obama has ripple effects, and even if Carson was most insanely far right choice, he'd have zero chance.  0% chance at nomination, but 10% chance at being the VP choice.  I think he's very aware of all of this, and he's mainly looking for speaker fees.

Scott Walker - Walker is the first legit contender for the GOP nomination on this list.  The money people of the party, lead by the Koch Brothers, and their ilk, have already anointed him their chosen one.  They love him.  He is wildly pro-wealthy, actually having been caught with, what seems to be, quid pro quo with a member of the Menards family, and there isn't a workers right he's not willing to crush.  His lack of education and rural stupidity (I refer to him as a dumber W.) will appeal to the nomination base, and his unpolished nature might appeal to the long alienated moderate Republicans.  After all he has done to destroy workers rights as governor of WI, I don't think he'll win the Presidency, but the nomination is within reach, especially with the money trucks backing up to his door.  25%

Bobby Jindal - He has the same problem that Walker has, a incredibly mis-managed state, on the verge of financial collapse, which will be hard to ignore.  Unlike Walker, he doesn't have a lot of big money backers.  Of all the candidates, he is the one who seems to be most eagerly auditioning for the VP role.  0% for nomination, 10% chance at Veep.

Carly Fiorina - She has no chance.  This is the GOP, a party designed by rich white guys who still want to be able to smack their secretary on the caboose.  Sarah Palin was a weak attempt to appeal to women voters in 2008, but notice how there was never a chance for Palin to be the top of the ticket in 2012.  There's no way, in the male driven GOP, she would win the nomination.  And that's before we even get to her nightmarish turn running HP, almost as bad as Steinhafel's run at Target.  She wants some speaker fee bling, and she'll get it.  0%

Jeb Bush - Another legit contender for the nomination.  He has become the Fredo of the Bush family, and it's easy to see why.  His "employees need to work harder" comments show he just doesn't seem to be able to get past his unpolished nature.  He's had 8 years to get ready for this moment, and he still sounds unsure of himself.  The Bush name can win you a state like Florida, but even that popularity seems strained.  How he'll get people to forget his bother, I don't know, but that would be a question for the general election, if he gets there.  He's not running for the VP nomination or for speaker fees.  He's trying to stumble his way to what he feels is his manifest destiny.  Still, loyalty to the Bush name will take him far in the GOP nomination process.  25%

We are only half way through this desolate wasteland...onto number 9!

Donald Trump - I think this guy is serious.  He spent a lot of his life trying to win public acceptance, something he's freely destroyed, like Ariana Grande has done with her career.  BOOM!  Why would he do that, unless he thinks he can win the big enchilada?  He's a joke candidate, but that's what scares the crap out of the GOP.  The party has freely handed over the nomination process to the weirdos and when you have a guy come along who knows how to push the weirdos buttons, magic happens!  Trump knows who exactly makes up the GOP today, and he, so far, is playing them like a fiddle.  The other bad part of this for the Republicans is he doesn't care if he wins or loses the general election.  The end result will be a GOP in absolute chaos, a circus with ringmaster Trump at the center.  No interest in the VP spot.  20% chance at winning the nomination.

John Kasich - The only one of these candidates who hasn't officially announced, but it sounds like he will.  My only guess; he's in possession of an ancient idol and his running for the presidency fulfills some prophecy tied to said idol, or he's got his own Brewster's Millions situation going on.  I know he is from Ohio, but he won't win the the nomination, the VP spot or even raise his speaking fees. He's wasting everyone's time. 0%

Marco Rubio - He has a chance, but there's a lot about him which seems either bland or dated.  He was outraged about Cuba; no one else is anymore.  He wanted immigration reform; and then he slowly backed away from that.  He's from Florida, but I think Jeb is a bigger draw there.  He just seems lost...and thirsty (HAHAHA).  He looks like a presidential nominee, but, for the same reasons I mentioned with Ben Carson, most of the Republican Party equates Latino, Mexicans and Cubans with 'enemy.'  He'll last longer than Carson, but he is a long shot at best.  10%, but the front runner for VP at 25%.

Rand Paul - Rand is the high school kid who read Ayn Rand and became convinced a Libertarian world could actually exist.  Then you're supposed to turn 17 and realize The Walking Dead has more realistic outlook than Libertarians.  Not Rand, he just kept on marching forward, in love with an ideal which is laughable at best, trusting the mail order bride's photo.  He has a following, but he also is upsetting that following by abandoning Libertarian principles, such as legalizing marijuana, gay rights and staying out of combat zones, to try to win the nomination.  He'll resonate with self anointed realists who actually have no foothold in reality at all.  In the end, he'll likely withdrawal by South Carolina.  5%.  No one would make him their VP.

Lindsey Graham - The funny thing about Lindsey is I think he would actually be the toughest candidate to beat in the general election.  Yes, he's said some insanely stupid things in regards to foreign policy, but the moderate Republicans I know like him, a lot.  I also think he could draw independents and enough of the GOP base to make his campaign a threat.  That being said, he has no chance at being the GOP nominee.  He's a moderate.  You might as well say your preforming a gay marriage for two undocumented workers, in Vermont, while Al Gore rages about climate change.  The current nomination process doesn't want anyone who even acknowledges the opposition.  0%

George Pataki - Nope! 0%

Ted Cruz - Cruz is like Perry, distorted by the Texas bubble, and like Carson and Rubio, his ethnic background will not help him with the racist leaning GOP, but he does represent how the GOP likes their minorities, as caucasian as can be.  At one point I never dreamed he would be taken seriously, but as the rhetoric and kookiness have ramped up, Cruz is looking more viable.  He is Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs, but he brings the militia element to the table.  Guys like Cliven Bundy love him and with the mutant specimens making the Republican decision, that might get him there.  10%, and maybe a 5% chance at a VP spot.  He'll make a lot of money with speakers fees regardless.

Chris Christie - His jackassian move to create pay back traffic jams with liberals should have won him more points with the far right than it did.  His one time likability in New Jersey, a state which would be a nice pick up in a general election, should have made him more popular.  The weight jokes were weak at best, and should have acted as a rallying cry of unfair treatment by the media.  But all of it was for naught.  Chris Christie made the biggest mistake of his political life welcoming President Obama after Hurricane Sandy wiped the Jersey shore clean.  When the President flies to a GOP governor's state, the Republican Governor either doesn't go and greet him, demands no cameras are present, or tries to pull a Jan Brewer, making it look like a old white person is dressing down an African American man, giving the GOP erotic shivers.  Nope, his one time caring about his state over politics cost him dearly, and is why Republicans now ask for government assistance during natural disasters through back channels, off the record. 0%  He'll be welcomed like an old friend by the eventual nominee during the general election.


That's how I see it right now.  The VP percentages don't add up to 100% because there are way too many other people to consider for that position.  At the end of it all, the party will congregate around the nominee and they will guarantee 30% of the country votes for them.  It's up to the rest of us to make sure 31% of the country gets out and votes for the Democrat.