Easy and Hard

The Huffington Post recently ran conflicting stories.  The first was about how hard marriage can be, specifically referencing Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's split.  The other was from Ronna Benjamin who counterpointed that thought, insisting marriage isn't hard work.  I think both stories were a bit of a crock, as rarely can life be defined as simply 'easy' or 'hard.'

I'm not a marriage advisor or counselor.  I've known some couples who should've never gotten married.  I've known others who eventually grew apart, after time.  I also know couples who got divorced, thinking they were making a huge mistake.  At the end of the day, it's not my place to judge other people's life decisions, so I usually keep my personal feelings on other people's marriages to myself.

Marriage is a serious commitment, one which should never be taken lightly. Marriage is a tremendous amount of work, but if you really do love the other person, I think most couples can work through most stresses.  I've been asked by friends what makes marriage work.  Here's how I usually answer.

Marriage is work, but it's work you can prepare for.  The hardest part is finding someone you want to marry.  After you date someone for awhile, before you think about reserving a church, you need to find out if you two are compatible in three distinct areas.

The first is money.  Talk to them about what their financial goals are, what their career aspirations are, what kind of residence they want to live in, when they want to retire and what kind of life they want to live.  Do they want to eat out five nights a week or make their own food?  Do they want to travel extensively or save intensively?  It's more than how do they spend their money every pay period, it's how they are going to spend money for the rest of their lives.  I'm not saying marry for money, but if you aren't compatible, when it comes to financial goals and spending habits, it will not end well.

Secondly is sex.  Be honest about sex and what you want.  If there is something you really want to do or don't really want to do, talk to them about it.  I know this might seem superfluous, but bad sex is one of the biggest killers of marriage.  If one of you is not satisfied with the sexual relationship, eventually temptation will start enter the dissatisfied partners life. The more temptation there is, the more likely the individual will succumb to the temptation.  Talk about sex.  Usually, you can come to an agreeable arrangement.  Remember to revisit the discussion once a year or so, asking your partner, "are you happy?"  If something is bothering you, then say something about it right away, in a nice way.

Two other points on sex.  Boys night out or girls night out rarely ends well.  I highly suggest stopping the practice of guys and girls nights before you get married.  I know WAY too many people who had a fight, or were unhappy in their relationship, who end up going out with friends for a night of drinking and making HUGE mistakes.  Same thing for business trips.  Avoid drinking too much when you're nowhere near each other.

The other point (***and we are about to go a little more adult here***) is to talk about masterbation.  You're getting married, not dying, hence human urges and practices are still going to happen.  Talk about it, and don't be shy.  I had a friend, now divorced, whose wife when nuts when she found out he  was still occasionally doing it.  It didn't end well.  Talk about it.

In my experience, most marriages fail due to those first two issues, money and sex. I'd say 90% of the divorces I've seen have a foothold in one, or both, arenas, but there's a third area you need to talk about with your partner which is just as important.

Talk about kids.  Talk about how many you want, how you want to raise them, how you want to punish them, how much screen time they get, all of it.  Kids are the most wonderful thing in the world, but they are amazingly stressful.  If you don't want kids, talk about it.  Make sure you have a full discussion about children before you start trying to have one.  Divorcing because of kids usually happens when one parent isn't on board, or is not talking about their true feelings.  Realize you're sacrificing your world the minute you have your first kid, so be prepared for it.  And a reminder, when you start having kids, the decisions you make are no longer just for two.

If you find someone who is compatible with you on all three levels, grab them and never let them go.  Once you find someone with the same financial, sexual and parenting goals, it gets easier.  Yes, you'll still fight and disagree, but your similarities will almost always keep your differences in check.

That is the usual speech I give to people who ask me about marriage, but there are two other things which I've learned over time.  Talk about what happens in worst case scenarios with health problems, whether it's an aging parent, a sick child with a serious disease, or having a spouse who needs hands on care.  Life is a bitch at times, and when you are marrying someone, rarely do you think about caring for your husband/wife 24/7, 365.  Also, ask yourself the question, 'will I be able to consistently put my wishes and feelings aside to make my spouse happy?'  Don't let that question scare you, as no one has to surrender all the time.  Marriage is a compromise.  There are times where I've had to eat my personal feelings and just do what my spouse wanted, for the betterment of the marriage.  It's not all the time, just occasionally.  Both partners being able to sacrifice for their spouse is a common theme is successful marriages.

Good Luck...