My kids are all successful (so far) and my wife and I've made helping them succeed a priority. There are a lot of ways to raise kids; no one individual way is the correct way to do it. I've had my struggles and tribulations, I've sworn and cried, I've been exhausted and exalted, I've been happy and proud; but the path we took is only one of many. I have friends who've raised amazing kids, but in the complete opposite way we approached it. My first bit of advice: find a good partner, and talk about how you want to raise your kids before you have them.
On occasion, I've been asked for some advice on how to raise kids, and I currently have four friends who are getting ready to have their first kid. I don't want to overstep my bounds, so let me share with you the things which I feel have been our most successful endeavors when it comes to raising our kids.
1) Read to them! This is by far the best thing you can do. My wife read to every one of our kids at night starting when they were about 3 months old. Every night, one of us read to them. Not only did it give them quality parent time everyday, it started them on a path of reading and imagination, two traits which have definitively helped them socially and academically, two traits which are incredibly hard to ignite within a child later in life.
2) Talk to your kids, but don't talk down to your kids. Whenever my kids would ask a question like "Daddy, why is the sky blue," I'd try to answer it. Even if they were 5 years old, I'd tell them 'light refracts off of water and the color that comes through the strongest is blue, hence why the sky is blue.' If I didn't know the answer, I would tell them, "I don't know, but maybe we can find out together." I'm not saying I treated them like adults at a young age, but rather I didn't dismiss them or talk down to them because I didn't think they'd understand the answer, or as cover when I didn't know the answer myself. When they asked me a question, I'd answer it like when an adult asked me. They wanted to talk, and I encouraged them to have a conversation.
3) Dedicate family time. Everyday have a moment where you're together as a family. I know that can be tough with kid's schedules, but make it a priority whenever you can. If you as parents promote the idea of family, they'll respect the family too. Meals are always an easy option for this, especially on weekends.
4) Try your best to limit screen time, but not to a point where your kid is a pariah. Our kid's generation is a screen based generation. They just are. The greatest challenge for any parent today is to teach your kid how to limit the amount of screen time they use, so when they go off on their own they don't become a self induced technology hermit. Find a formula of screen time which works for you, and when your kid whines, put a book in front of them not a screen. Limit the kids times around glowing rectangles, but don't forbid them completely. Your kids will need to be able to navigate their friend groups, so make sure your kids get some screen time. That way they don't come across as mini druids.
5) Be early. Teach your kids to be wherever they need to be 10 to 15 minute early. This is a good habit to instill, and one which will pay dividends as your kids get older.
6) Get them moving. It's so important to get you kids up and moving. There are a lot of kids who come home on a Friday, and sit watching screens for the entire weekend. Not only are there health concerns, but kids need to get outside and interact with the world. It doesn't have to be a sports league or a gym membership. They can simply walk around their neighborhoods. If the parents go along with them, it encourages them to eventually do it on their own. Also, a dog helps.
7) Teach them manners. This is not only about displaying an element of respect, it actually is becoming a trait which will pay off for them in the future. As more people interact with screens, there seems to be a deficit of politeness. Do you want your kid holding open the door and saying 'please' and 'thank you,' or do you want a kid so terrified by human interaction they let the door slam in someone's face and find it impossible to say 'thanks?'
8) Do not pigeon hole them. As your kids get older, there will be pressure on them to do only one sport, or one art, or one activity. If you pigeon hole your kids into a sole activity, they not only will narrow their social circles, they immediately forfeit the ability of finding out if there's a sport, or an activity they can enjoy as a hobby. All three of my kids play a sport, play in band, go to church, and have other activity groups. I have determined eclectic lifestyles deliver dynamic kids.
9) Let them walk away from things they no longer like, even if they're good at them. My oldest daughter, at age 8, was a phenom softball player. She was a prodigy, not only destined to play high school softball, but beyond. For her, she only played two more years. It was two years because after the first season ending tournament, when she said "Dad, I really don't want to play softball anymore," I made one of the biggest mistakes I've made in parenting. I told her to stick with it. I was not only placing her ability ahead of her wishes, I was thinking about her future without taking her input into consideration. She played another season, but after the next year end tournament, she broke down in tears, talking about how the coaches and parents were all bad sports. She never wanted to play again. Thank God I heard her that time. She (happily and with no regrets) never played softball again. No matter the activity, and no matter what talent level your kid is at, if they no longer want to do that activity, don't make them. Allow them to walk away.
10) Teach them the value of success and failure. Success and failure are natural for everyone, so embrace them both. When your kids are successful, talk with about why it worked. When your kids fail, help them get back up. Don't shy away from the valuable lessons you can learn from picking up the pieces. And just because a failure is painful, don't allow your kids to avoid figuring out what went wrong.
11) Make time for your kids. I'm going to get a little preachy here. Undoubtedly, me putting aside my lesser personal activities has helped my kids. I couldn't, on a Saturday, throw my kids aside for five hours while I went and did some personal activity without them. I look for the windows of time we are all together and plan fun activities. Hikes, museums, swimming, even yard work; there are a lot of things you can do with your kids. Just make sure your kids are there too. If you're a golfer, and you want to take your kids, that's great, but if your kids says they don't like it, ask if golf is important enough to take you away from your kids for 25 to 30 Saturday's per year? This isn't bashing certain activities (golf, hunting, fishing, ect.) more pointing out the main thing you're kids want is to spend time with you. I used to fish all the time. Loved it, and still do, but my kids never caught the fishing bug, so I put the poles away and decided going to art museums, parks, zoos, and swimming with my kids was an easy compromise. If your personal agenda pushes them away, ask yourself if it's really worth it. And for God's sake, never put your social media pages ahead of your kids. That's just sad.
There you go. I know some people will look at this and feel as if I'm 'high and mighty.' Like I said you have to raise your own kids. Make decisions you're happy with, ones which have your kids interests in mind. You don't have to do a dang thing I've suggested (although the reading to them is gold!). As long as you're there, there's a good chance your kids will turn out fine.
One final bit of advice. I love my kids. I'm proud of them. You should tell your kids both of those things every single day.
4) Try your best to limit screen time, but not to a point where your kid is a pariah. Our kid's generation is a screen based generation. They just are. The greatest challenge for any parent today is to teach your kid how to limit the amount of screen time they use, so when they go off on their own they don't become a self induced technology hermit. Find a formula of screen time which works for you, and when your kid whines, put a book in front of them not a screen. Limit the kids times around glowing rectangles, but don't forbid them completely. Your kids will need to be able to navigate their friend groups, so make sure your kids get some screen time. That way they don't come across as mini druids.
5) Be early. Teach your kids to be wherever they need to be 10 to 15 minute early. This is a good habit to instill, and one which will pay dividends as your kids get older.
6) Get them moving. It's so important to get you kids up and moving. There are a lot of kids who come home on a Friday, and sit watching screens for the entire weekend. Not only are there health concerns, but kids need to get outside and interact with the world. It doesn't have to be a sports league or a gym membership. They can simply walk around their neighborhoods. If the parents go along with them, it encourages them to eventually do it on their own. Also, a dog helps.
7) Teach them manners. This is not only about displaying an element of respect, it actually is becoming a trait which will pay off for them in the future. As more people interact with screens, there seems to be a deficit of politeness. Do you want your kid holding open the door and saying 'please' and 'thank you,' or do you want a kid so terrified by human interaction they let the door slam in someone's face and find it impossible to say 'thanks?'
8) Do not pigeon hole them. As your kids get older, there will be pressure on them to do only one sport, or one art, or one activity. If you pigeon hole your kids into a sole activity, they not only will narrow their social circles, they immediately forfeit the ability of finding out if there's a sport, or an activity they can enjoy as a hobby. All three of my kids play a sport, play in band, go to church, and have other activity groups. I have determined eclectic lifestyles deliver dynamic kids.
9) Let them walk away from things they no longer like, even if they're good at them. My oldest daughter, at age 8, was a phenom softball player. She was a prodigy, not only destined to play high school softball, but beyond. For her, she only played two more years. It was two years because after the first season ending tournament, when she said "Dad, I really don't want to play softball anymore," I made one of the biggest mistakes I've made in parenting. I told her to stick with it. I was not only placing her ability ahead of her wishes, I was thinking about her future without taking her input into consideration. She played another season, but after the next year end tournament, she broke down in tears, talking about how the coaches and parents were all bad sports. She never wanted to play again. Thank God I heard her that time. She (happily and with no regrets) never played softball again. No matter the activity, and no matter what talent level your kid is at, if they no longer want to do that activity, don't make them. Allow them to walk away.
10) Teach them the value of success and failure. Success and failure are natural for everyone, so embrace them both. When your kids are successful, talk with about why it worked. When your kids fail, help them get back up. Don't shy away from the valuable lessons you can learn from picking up the pieces. And just because a failure is painful, don't allow your kids to avoid figuring out what went wrong.
11) Make time for your kids. I'm going to get a little preachy here. Undoubtedly, me putting aside my lesser personal activities has helped my kids. I couldn't, on a Saturday, throw my kids aside for five hours while I went and did some personal activity without them. I look for the windows of time we are all together and plan fun activities. Hikes, museums, swimming, even yard work; there are a lot of things you can do with your kids. Just make sure your kids are there too. If you're a golfer, and you want to take your kids, that's great, but if your kids says they don't like it, ask if golf is important enough to take you away from your kids for 25 to 30 Saturday's per year? This isn't bashing certain activities (golf, hunting, fishing, ect.) more pointing out the main thing you're kids want is to spend time with you. I used to fish all the time. Loved it, and still do, but my kids never caught the fishing bug, so I put the poles away and decided going to art museums, parks, zoos, and swimming with my kids was an easy compromise. If your personal agenda pushes them away, ask yourself if it's really worth it. And for God's sake, never put your social media pages ahead of your kids. That's just sad.
There you go. I know some people will look at this and feel as if I'm 'high and mighty.' Like I said you have to raise your own kids. Make decisions you're happy with, ones which have your kids interests in mind. You don't have to do a dang thing I've suggested (although the reading to them is gold!). As long as you're there, there's a good chance your kids will turn out fine.
One final bit of advice. I love my kids. I'm proud of them. You should tell your kids both of those things every single day.
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