A Message to All Men Who are Thinking of Sharing a Photo of Their Privates

DON'T!

No seriously, don't do it.

We are living in strange times when people have to tell others that graphic photos of their crotches are not appropriate for dissemination, but here we are.  Let me explain to all the burgeoning at-home models why this is a bad idea.

I've been wanting to write about this for a year, after a friend of mine who's in his 40's asked me to grab a cup of coffee.  I could tell he was bothered by something, but was fairly floored when he asked if I'd ever sent a image of my nether-regions to anyone.  "No...(staring at him)...(he squirms in his seat a little)...(I take a sip of coffee)...(back to looking at the top of his head as he stares down at his cup)...have you?"  

He had.  He was dating a woman and for whatever reason, he sent her a naughty image. I asked if she had asked for one.  He said no, but felt she was hinting at it.  Regardless of what her intent was, the image was not well received, and she promptly broke up with him.  She was now hinting at blackmail, telling my friend she'd go to his job and tell them what he did.  He'd learned his lesson the hard way; some images are not meant to be shared.

I know there are some who will read this and ask 'Matt, what about serious couples, or for those who are married?' Obviously you're somewhat safer in a well established relationship, but two points for those wanting to 'Feel the Adventure.'  First, everything you send via electronic means is out there, regardless of whether you actually hit 'reply all' or not.  Expect others to see the images you are sending.  Keep that in mind if you want to add some digital spice to your relationship.  Also, I'm convinced (eventually) the generations which follow us will be able to access EVERYTHING we've ever done online, kind of a personal, family, internet based, archeological dig.  Every website you visit, every comment section you post on, and every image you share will eventually be part of one large personal database.  "Hey kids, who wants to see a picture of your great grandfather's tackle box?!"  Keep that in mind.

I feel safe in the belief that women (and some men) just don't want to see amateur pictures of men's privates.  Sure there might be a percentage of those who don't mind viewing such images, but considering the copious amounts of pornographic images online, you need to be honest with yourself about how your artistic and modeling ability match up.  Are you in the gym 3 to 4 hours a day, doing extensive exercise and cardio, eating only greens and healthy grains, manicuring your body like a French king's garden, and are blessed with an anatomy women would like to see.  Probably not.  Put it in perspective; the stuttering guy isn't going to win the singing competition, and the best he can hope for is a atta boy sympathetic "thanks for stopping by."

Do any of these adjectives apply to your body? Roll-y, scarred, pudgy, hairy, fold-y, growth-y, bulgy, fat, uneven, furry, blotchy, paste-y, pimply, and (let's be honest) less than impressive?  If any one of these can be applied to your body, leave your clothes on.

Also, stop watching so much freaking porn!  I'm dead serious.  Men who send these images are almost always getting the idea from watching porn.  Porn is not real.  Those women are paid to be fantasy.  For goodness sake, the Fast and Furious movies are more realistic than a porn film.  I get you might think you have an intimate relationship with a porn star, but you shouldn't look at porn as a guidebook on relationships.  Consider this an intervention.

And in case I've buried the lead, it's sexual harassment to send a woman a sexually explicit photo they haven't asked for.  Imagine if it was your mother, sister or spouse (!) getting the image.  Jokes aside, it's disgusting and you need to freaking stop.

I told my friend to delete his ex's number and block her.  I then told him to talk to his boss and HR Department about what had happened.  It worked.  He was embarrassed, but in the end his embarrassment was minimal compared to what it could've been, he kept his job, and learned a valuable lesson. 

Let this be a fair warning.  Don't do it!